I haven’t blogged for awhile. I’ve started and stopped many times. I have drafts, then don’t… I just can’t take y’all to where my head is sometimes right now. Wouldn’t be prudent, and certainly wouldn’t be my normal positive outlook posts.
So I’ll start small. I’ll talk about some of the things that truly suck about my current physical makeup.
A) No matter how hot, I have to wear spandex shorts under my dresses to prevent chafing.
B) My hair looks awful pulled back these days – too much chin.
C) I can’t wear my wedding band or engagement ring.
D) I can’t wear any underwear other than granny panties – they roll down my belly when I bend over.
E) I’m wearing my maternity clothes – still – nine months after birth (See D for reasons as to why other shorts don’t work)
F) I’ve been kicked off my competitve volleyball team, even though it means the world to me to get out, once a week, and feel like a normal adult woman again, and not just Mommy, and connect with what were (are?) longtime friends.
G) It resembles an issue that might be in the family where no matter how hard I try, I might not be able to get rid of my stomach. This is scary, and kinda makes me delay the insane effort it might take to try.
H) I go swimming, and although slower (obviously) than I was when I played university waterpolo, I feel great in the water, only to catch sight of myself in the mirror of the changeroom and think “They must wonder how the hell I can swim like that when I look like this”
I) I know I must start running – nothing else will do – to start on this journey, but more than the effort it takes to train my lungs to handle the cardio, I’m cowed by the thought of everything jiggling and people watching me shuffle along.
J) My self-esteem is in the toilet.
I could say a lot more, but I’ll stop there. I find it interesting that I had to go back numerous times to add back in the possessive personal pronoun when I had (protectively perhaps) switched unconsciously to the impersonal ‘you’.
Ok. I’ll hit publish soon, but not before I say this. I am so very very happy with my life, my girls, my incredible fortune. I recognize that I must summon something inside of myself to rally against the dark thoughts, self-pity. I even get down on myself for feeling this way, when there is so much to be happy about.
And I laugh numerous times in a day. Beautiful, sweet, giggly good-natured twin babies have that effect on one…