Big, for me, is not beautiful

I haven’t blogged for awhile. I’ve started and stopped many times. I have drafts, then don’t… I just can’t take y’all to where my head is sometimes right now. Wouldn’t be prudent, and certainly wouldn’t be my normal positive outlook posts.

So I’ll start small.  I’ll talk about some of the things that truly suck about my current physical makeup.

A) No matter how hot, I have to wear spandex shorts under my dresses to prevent chafing.
B) My hair looks awful pulled back these days – too much chin.
C) I can’t wear my wedding band or engagement ring.
D) I can’t wear any underwear other than granny panties – they roll down my belly when I bend over.
E) I’m wearing my maternity clothes – still – nine months after birth (See D for reasons as to why other shorts don’t work)
F) I’ve been kicked off my competitve volleyball team, even though it means the world to me to get out, once a week, and feel like a normal adult woman again, and not just Mommy, and connect with what were (are?) longtime friends.
G) It resembles an issue that might be in the family where no matter how hard I try, I might not be able to get rid of my stomach. This is scary, and kinda makes me delay the insane effort it might take to try.
H) I go swimming, and although slower (obviously) than I was when I played university waterpolo, I feel great in the water, only to catch sight of myself in the mirror of the changeroom and think “They must wonder how the hell I can swim like that when I look like this”
I) I know I must start running – nothing else will do – to start on this journey, but more than the effort it takes to train my lungs to handle the cardio, I’m cowed by the thought of everything jiggling and people watching me shuffle along.
J) My self-esteem is in the toilet.
I could say a lot more, but I’ll stop there. I find it interesting that I had to go back numerous times to add back in the possessive personal pronoun when I had (protectively perhaps) switched unconsciously to the impersonal ‘you’.

Ok. I’ll hit publish soon, but not before I say this.  I am so very very happy with my life, my girls, my incredible fortune. I recognize that I must summon something inside of myself to rally against the dark thoughts, self-pity. I even get down on myself for feeling this way, when there is so much to be happy about.

And I laugh numerous times in a day.  Beautiful, sweet, giggly good-natured twin babies have that effect on one…

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5 thoughts on “Big, for me, is not beautiful

  1. Thanks for the support everyone. Not sure I'm ready to get rid of the only comfy underwear I have yet, but will TRY to do so soon. Julie, I have been thinking about my mental health, and sometimes I do wonder, but I also know myself and know I feel fantastic when getting exercise, so I believe that, and just all the changes, are what is causing my moodiness. Think I can get back to the real me again soon… Stay tuned…

  2. Pam, I feel for you! Try and give yourself a break and know that most of us didn't lose (most of) the baby weight until closer to 2yrs with singletons let alone twins! And… You have a new body now that you have given birth so make sure your expectations are realistic! Give yourself time and I agree– go out and get some new pretty underwear! Michele

  3. The battle to lose maternity weight is one that many of us can relate to. 9 months is still EARLY days, especially for twins! Check back in with me when they're 3, okay? 🙂

    But I don't want to downplay your feelings, because I know they are real and can be SO oppressive. Problem is, I don't have the answer either. If I did, I'd be super-skinny and marketing the way to do it! 🙂 If it was easy, then Oprah would do it. It's not easy. But you are certainly not alone! You don't even need to leave the house if you'd like to get a bit of inspiration. For instance, I just read this post by The Stay at Home Maven:
    http://stay-at-home-mayhem.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-being-fat-and-miserable-keeps-us.html

    And this blog is a real journey as well:
    http://gymnauseous.wordpress.com/

    And also? Just throw out those old underwear from pre-pregnancy. They are a drain on your psyche. Your body has changed and you need new ones that fit nicely and feel comfortable. (I found that even without extra weight, the c-section scar left an indent that underwear liked to flop over when bending.)

    If what you call “self-pity” gets too strong, please remember to consider your mental health as well. It deserves your attention as much as your waist-line. Don't let the darkness get a chance to take hold.

    With thoughts and biggest hugs to you, Julie

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