Double lines – Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)

So.  This post won’t go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process.  Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way.  It’s a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body.  And believe me, you KNOW when you are – the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy “I feel like I haven’t slept in 36hrs” tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs!  You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?…not workin’ out so much.

But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.

Why won’t this post go up for a while?  Because we just haven’t been successful, and I’m no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let’s just keep this on the QT for everyone’s sanity, you know?

So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance “Well, surely we can’t miscarry again, so this one will work!”, but more half expecting, for sanity’s sake, that this won’t work again.  I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues.  My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great – our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?

It’s hard.  Some days, I can’t help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself.  It’s tough not to WANT.  But.  I think I am doin’ alright so far, and if I had a choice, I’d still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant.  The emotions may be mixed, but I’m still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.

Time will tell.

(What’s really cool here? Didn’t know I was pregnant with twins…)

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